CBBC Channel
Why don't footballers invite people to their tea parties?
Because they dribble too much!
How do you stop a man from smelling?
Cut off his nose
Why do birds fly south?
Because it's too far to walk!
I've known a lot of dogs in my time . . .
one with a bushy tail, one that barked like a duck
and another that liked mustard . . . the Hot Dog!
CBEEBIES Channel
What do you call a bear with no socks on?
Bearfoot!
What bed does a Mermaid sleep on?
A waterbed!
What do Polar bears have for breakfast?
Ice Crispies!
What letters are not in the alphabet?
The ones in the Post Box!
University Challenge
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?
The Weakest Link
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.
Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.
Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh . . . ?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!
Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers
or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament and the Four Gospels were
written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and . . .?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?
Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G,
revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!
National Lottery Jet Set
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.
Chris Searle Show, BBC, Bristol
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico?
Family Fortunes
Something a blind man might use? - A Sword
A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon
Name the capital of France? - F
Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar
Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital
What is Hitler's first name? - Heil A famous Scotsman? - Jock
Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde
A dangerous race? - The Arabs
Something that floats in a bath? - Water
An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse
Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair
A famous Royal? - Mail
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings
A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate
A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on
Something associated with pigs? - The Police
A sign of the Zodiac? - April
Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing
Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep
Something you put on walls? - A roof
Something slippery? - A conman
A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish
A jacket potato topping? - Jam
A food that can be brown or white? - A potato
Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas
Something red? - My sweater
BBC Radio One
What are the two fastest land mammals?
A hippo in a Porche and a kitten in a Ferrari
Radio Lincolnshire Phone in
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
BBC Radio Newcastle
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen
days.
Steve Wright Radio Show
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.
Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.
Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.
This Morning (TV)
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the
Mafia. But it is an American
TV show, so I'll give you that.
Bob Hope Birthday Quiz, LBC (Radio)
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four
BBC GMR, Phil Wood Show
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . . .
Contestant: Walked?
Daryl's Drivetime, Virgin Radio (phone in)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
If you have any jokes please send them to me and I’ll add them to my site